Tags
broken dreams, broken heart, disappointment, email scams, fairy tale promises, fun with spam, prince charming
It all started with an email.
We had never met, but somehow, there you were, writing a page and a half email to me.
You bared your soul in that first letter.
You told me about your uncle that had been killed in a mine. Your aunt who had cancer. Your dreams of building a business that would benefit the entire planet.
We had such a great connection, and you seemed so interested in me. You even wanted to know my middle name and my mother’s maiden name.
Somebody who doesn’t care wouldn’t ask those questions, right?
I thought it was meant to be right from the start. It was fate!
My friends tried to warn me …
They told me that you were just in it for my money. That you just wanted to take what you could get, and then you would run. That you would eventually turn on me. Cast me aside like Tom Hanks in that one movie where his best friend was a hockey puck or something.
Did you do something different with your hair?
You whispered sweet nothings in my ear. You made me feel special, even when there were thousands of miles and an ocean between us. You promised me that we would become rich beyond our wildest dreams and build a castle in the sky, from which we would reign supreme over all who survived The Cleansing.
And I believed you.
I loved you so much that it hurt my heart.
Literally.
My heart was actually bleeding! Remember that? You were in Nigeria when I had to have the surgery, but I knew that you were thinking about me while you traveled to Hong Kong.
Just knowing that you were out there somewhere, breathing oxygen — just like me (even if yours wasn’t coming through a tube). Eating food (again, sans tube) just like me. Thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming, and pooping in your adult diapers … just like me.
And I felt safe.
I gave you everything you ever asked for without question.
I threw caution to the wind, and approached life with a new reckless abandon.
I know that you’re busy. Your job keeps you flying all over Asia and Africa.
But I would have followed you blindly into the depths of the bloodiest hell you can imagine, to Mars, or heck, even to Detroit.
And what do I have to show for it besides bad credit, a messed up car, and a broken heart?
Please pass the super glue.
Nothing.
Now I will forever feel the sting of your last words to me, which proved what I had already known for so long.
I still can’t believe that this was all you had to say:
Hello
I have an investment portfolio that involves money deposited in my bank in China which I can easily transfer to you as beneficiary. The transaction is risk free because it has been strategically planed to complete successfully. Contact me on my email address below for more details.
Best regards,
Li Xiung
Email: blahblah@something.com.hk
It’s like you don’t even try anymore.
So it’s over.
Besides, I was recently contacted by a prince, and I’ve got a good feeling about this one.
Now all of my dreams will come true.
Jeneral Insanity 
I love your take on the email scams. My version was MUCH more smart ass-ish. Then again, that’s sort of my whole schtick. You know… smart ass-ish-ness. That’s probably a word, right?
Smart ass-ish-ness is not a word. It’s two. But yes, of course it’s a thing. You just used it, didn’t you? That makes it real now. And you gave birth to it. Congratulations! It has your eyes!
I got that short ass email the other day and was so disappointed! They’re usually at least three or four paragraphs full of details about a dead/dying person with no relatives and this person magically found me because they’ve heard of my work in the community or some garbage.
Do you know what I do for my community? Unless raising kids that aren’t total assholes counts, the answer is nothing. I’m too lazy for community service. I mean, I think about doing it a lot. But that’s as far as it goes…
It is nice when they put some effort forth, isn’t it. I mean, at least a decent sob story about a dying relative and an evil plot to steal the family fortune out from under the rightful heir. This is still my favorite scam-spam of all time:
Ahh… Asian Paris Hilton. I wonder whatever happened to her? I never did get her tears, or my 4.5 million united “state” dollars.
I’ve done that a few times too. The problem is that they never actually respond.
I hope that doesn’t happen with my prince…
pooping…just like me.
Of course that’s my favorite part of this whole piece! Love it! Very smart and hilarious!
Thank you darling! I actually thought about you and EKGO when I wrote that part. I said to myself “Oh, Jen… The Erica’s are going to love that part!” *giggle*
Huh.
I feel sort of transparent all of a sudden because that WAS actually the part that made me laugh too loudly and then I had to start coughing like I had really just sneezed badly in order to cover up the fact that I was reading about poop at work.
Again.
It’s things like this that get me through my day.
What? Getting me into trouble, you mean?
Well, thanks.
You and your cruel poop lures.
Poop lures…kinda like poop lore. Oh, the poop lore that the three of us could come up with!
Speaking of poop lure… I’m making myself go to the post office to mail out your prizes tomorrow 🙂 yay for stuff!
And again I lie. I went for boxes, but stopped for cards to put in said boxes on the way, so it’s going to be tomorrow (aka: Friday.) Sorry. I wouldn’t blame either of you for never (s)talking to me again…
Someday MY prince will come…
Yes. Yes he will. Just make sure that the cities in his letter match up. I also recommend searching The Googles for him first. If he doesn’t show up, you know he’s real. No real royalty would ever be caught dead on the interwebs…
I really do hope your Nigerian prince comes through for you. I mean after Li Xung your poor heart might not be able to withstand another let down.
I know! I have a good feeling about this guy. I think I smelled a wedding ring through the screen. If this doesn’t go well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust again…
Heart wrenching!
It really was. I thought we had something special! I wouldn’t be surprised at all to find out that he was telling the same stories to other people…
And once again…I wish Sam were here.
Because only she could truly understand your pain in this area.
My online lovahs only want to give me viagra which is probably better than syphilis but still not as good as a castle in the sky.
I wish she were here too. There’s a poo shaped hole in my heart where her blog used to be. 😦
I’ve had guys trying to sell me magic pills before. They don’t give you super powers OR grow beanstalks. Don’t fall for their smooth lines and ployful tactivity. They are liars!
So…I won’t be able to lose 30 pounds while I sleep and wake up with straight teeth and smooth skin and have the energy of a sugared-up 3-year-old if I take their pills?
Those guys are BASTARDS! Ployful tactivity, indeed!
I hate to tell you this but the reason why things didn’t work out between you and Li Xiung might be because Li and I have recently started seeing each other. Well not really “seeing” but we’ve definitely had a lot of exchanges of bank account information.
That snot nosed bastard!
*sigh*
Oh well. I’ve already moved on. Zimbabwe is much more fun to say anyway…
All I can do is suggest that you double check for any accounts you may have had as a child. He sent me paperwork for it. It was so easy! Turned out that I had over half a million dollars in an old trust account, which was perfect, because he happened to need exactly that much to fund some other transaction fees!
Enjoy it while you can, Christian. It all happens so fast that it’ll be over before you know it.
Just wandered over from the a-z list and I love this post…eventhough I feel slightly cheated that I wasn’t the only special lady he emailed!
I’m starting to get the feeling the he may actually be a monkey, locked in a room, emails whatever assorted letter of the day out to poor unsuspecting people like me that are just looking for love…
Thanks for stopping by!
I’ve never once received an email like this. I don’t know what’s worse… To be part of this damn whore’s email obsession and have my money taken, or never to be loved at all.
That. Son. Of. A. Bitch.
Hugs!
Valerie
No. He was the son of a coal miner’s uncle…
And I would consider myself lucky if I were you. It’s a tangled web to weave, for sure.
I’m jealous, I don’t get awesome emails like this. I used to get emails about penis enlargement but anyomore. I’m going to assume it’s because word has spread about my habit of emailing back infected penis pictures and requesting urine samples from men who’ve had success with their pills.
” I used to get emails about penis enlargements, *BUT NOT ANYMORE* “…ugh. Stupid fancy fake nails are screwing up my ability to type. At least, I’m guessing it’s the nails and not the second bottle of wine I just uncorked.
It’s gotta be the nails…
I get the penis enlargement offers in one of my inboxes. If I wanted my penis to be larger, I’d get it pierced and attach weights to it like everyone else.